Rules for toddlers

Dear Zac (and, eventually, Toby),

Here are some rules which we hope you will find invaluable as you navigate your way towards that weird and wonderful state us adults call 'being grown-up'.

Rule #1: We will always be right, and you will always be wrong. Even when you're right, we will still be more right than you. So there.

Rule #2: We reserve the right to change the rules at any time. There will be times when you will be told to eat your dinner for your own good. There will also be times when you will be sent to your room without dinner and be told it's for your own good. Don't bother arguing about the apparent flaws in our logic (see rule #1).

Rule #3: You will always be "our adorable little boy", even when you are a teenager with an attitude problem and halitosis - until the point at which you realise you can take advantage of this status, at which point this rule becomes null and void with immediate effect.

Rule #4: You will constantly be told - in the face of incontrovertible evidence to the contrary - how things were so much better when your mum and dad were your age, even though we only had three TV channels and had never heard of plasma, HD or CBeebies. Just nod in agreement; some battles really aren't worth the effort.

Rule #5: "No" means "maybe". "NO!" means "no". And "NOOOO!!!" following on from "No" and "NO!" means you have pushed things just a little too far and the wrath of all things holy is about to descend on you. But you knew that already, didn't you?

Rule #6: Your father will spend the next few years encouraging you to play football/cricket/rugby/bass guitar or to do some other activity he wishes he'd been any good at when he was a child. You may not be that keen, but try to humour him; he means well.

Rule #7: Your mother will praise you when you are a good boy and publicly castigate you when you refuse to do as she says, but secretly she will be proud of your independent streak. This gives you some latitude for stubbornness - but don't push it too far.

Rule #8: There will come a time (probably as you enter your teenage years) when we will become a profound source of embarrassment to you because of our clothes, taste in music, boring lives and/or just the fact we are visible. That's okay, but just remember this: we have changed your nappies in public. Want to talk about who embarrasses whom now?

Rule #9: Remember, no matter how old, successful and respected you turn out to be, we reserve the right to humiliate you with naked baby photos and videos. Don't even think about deleting them: we have backups. Lots of them.

Rule #10: The formula for calculating the age at which you become exempt from rule #9 is as follows:

Age (in years) = never

There are no exceptions to the above equation, even if you have children of your own.

Love,

Mum & Dad

Rules for dads

In my previous post, I outlined five basic rules of parenthood. In general, though, it's not so much parents as fathers who need the most help when it comes to this parenting lark. So here are ten additional rules that all dads should take heed of.

(A health warning: tongue is inserted firmly in cheek here, but many fellow fathers will recognise a grain of truth in most of the following situations.)

Rule #1: If you're not doing something, you should be. You may not know what it is, but there is definitely something. (It will be written on a list somewhere, even if it's one that only exists in your wife's/partner's head.)

Rule #2: Watching The Gadget Show or playing Call Of Duty while occasionally talking to your child does not qualify as 'quality father/son (or daughter) time', no matter how interested they are in what you're doing.

Rule #3: Even if you are the sole bread-winner, change every nappy and are the CEO of a multinational industrial conglomerate, as a father you are the least important person in the household (and that includes any and all pets). Deal with it.

Rule #4: You will lose every argument with your children. If you're already in a long-term relationship, you should be used to that by now, though. (Zac's current ace-in-the-hole is to fire up the death stare and ask "Why not?" with utter conviction when told he can't do something. It's really quite disarming.)

Rule #5: The slightest whiff of criticism of your partner's abilities as a mother is a straight red card offence. However, expect to be told on a daily basis about all the things that you do, don't do, should do more/less of or just plain do wrong. It's a mother's God-given right. Grin and bear it.

Rule #6: Under no circumstances - irrespective of how many times your sleep was interrupted during the night or what time your children dragged you out of bed in the morning - ever mention to your wife how tired you are. Unless your ears need clearing out, that is.

Rule #7: When your other half gets all teary-eyed and emotional because they've had only three hours' sleep for the fourth night in a row and have just had to deal with a poo-up-the-back incident, the only correct response is to be understanding and supportive. However, if you go all emo, you are being a drama queen. Man up and crack open a beer like any self-respecting, emotionally-stunted male should.

Rule #8: Whatever you most want your child to be is the thing they will be least inclined to do. (For instance, I want Zac to be as interested in sports as his parents are, but the moment I put the football on he runs over to the TV, switches it off and goes back to his macramé. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But only slightly.)

Rule #9: If, like me, you delivered your own baby BBA (Born Before Arrival of midwife/ambulance/other person who has some vague idea what they should be doing), this automatically confers a degree of coolness upon you as a father, no matter how uncool you really are. Dine out on it while you can. The effect wears off as quickly as your holiday tan.

Rule #10: The 'illusion of free will' is a reality. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Or a free evening out with the lads. Or a free round of golf. Everything comes with a price tag. It's just that you can't always see it.

The formula to calculate 'free' time (where 'free' means time for which there is not some quid pro quo child/mother-related action required in return) is as follows:

Free time (in hours) = 0

Think about it. For every boys' night out there is an agreement (either explicit or implicit) to babysit for a girly shopping trip. Your Sunday round of golf is worth its weight in chocolate. Even that new Wii controller will be offset by an afternoon pushing the pram around Mothercare. It may not always be obvious, but like taxes you will end up paying somehow some day.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go. I'm pretty sure I'm contravening rules 1, 2 and 10, and I'm heading for another slap-down from rule 4.

Rules of parenthood

Originally posted on 22 February 2010

As the proud father of boys aged two years (Isaac) and one month (Toby), I have learned to accept my place as the fourth-most important person in our household. I've read the books (well, some of them, anyway), I've compared experiences with other mums and dads, and I've decided it's a shame no one ever tells you what the real rules of parenthood are, the ones that really govern our lives as parents and that most of us end up discovering only through painful experience.

Off the top of my head, here are five valuable and immutable rules of parenthood:

Rule #1: Newborn babies are public property (just as pregnant mothers' bumps are). So when complete strangers descend on you in Waitrose, peer into the pram and engage you in conversation when all you really want to do is pay up and go home, just smile and remember that you're only the parent and have no rights as such.

Rule #2: Keep the remote control - and any other valuable gadget with buttons - out of reach. You may think it's difficult to delete the contents of your Sky+ box. To a child it's, well, child's play.

Rule #3: There is no better negotiator in this world than a 2-3 year old toddler. By this age, they possess significant native cunning (and aren't afraid to use it), they have enough vocabulary to state exactly what they want, they are well practised in the art of mega-tantrums and they know they can punch/pinch/slap you in public without fear of retribution with the might of disapproving onlookers and the Child Protection Agency on their side. Just learn to be gracious in defeat: it makes life much easier.

Rule #4: You will always need to do an emergency nappy change when you are already running late for that important doctor's / dentist's / hairdresser's / insert as applicable appointment.

Rule #5: Here is the formula for calculating how long you need to get ready to leave the house with children:

Time required (in minutes) = n(t+15) + x + r

Where n is the number of children you have, t is the time (in minutes) it used to take you to get ready pre-children, x is the number you first thought of, and r is a random number between 5 and 60 to cover emergency nappy changes, toddler tantrums and returning to the house to retrieve wallets / birthday presents / favourite toys. It doesn't really matter, because you'll still be late anyway no matter what.

There are many other rules governing parenthood; I'm sure you will have some of your own. Feel free to share - after all, us parents are in this together ...